


glee but they all have phones

by TheSubtextMachine



Series: Glee+Phones+Modern Antics [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Dalton AU, M/M, Not Blaine or Klaine Friendly, Pining, Social Media, Texting, brief klaine, group chats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23643856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSubtextMachine/pseuds/TheSubtextMachine
Summary: Sebastian Smythe	@sebastard.officialSometimes the entire McKinley Glee Club follows you at once and you gotta say c’est la vie. That’s life.-The one where they all have phones and the warbler love triangle is the most interesting show choir news in Ohio.
Relationships: Kurt Hummel/Sebastian Smythe
Series: Glee+Phones+Modern Antics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1737103
Comments: 33
Kudos: 404





	1. Chapter 1

**Warbler Officer Meeting**

4:03-minutes from last meeting read out  
4:04-Wes critiques the way I take notes, says that they are “too gossipy” and “not impartial” and “not befitting an officer”. I note that Wes is a wet blanket.  
4:05-Wes threatens to give ledger duty to Thad if I “won’t take this seriously”  
4:06-4:11: more squabbling over ledger. I have notetaking duty again. Order is restored.  
4:12-4:43: The possible set list songs for sectionals are proposed. They are listed below with the category in which I deem them fit.

Option 1: Classic Hollywood  
Moon River from Breakfast @ Tiffany’s  
S’Wonderful from American in Paris  
As Time Goes By from Casablanca  
Something from Singing in the Rain?

Wes would like to note that the above set is his personal favorite, I would like to note that he is a total dweeb with a hard on for black and white movies. But I do also think this could be neat

Option 2: Sultry???  
Whip It-DEVO (??)  
Careless Whisper-George Michael?  
Roxanne-The Police?

(can you tell I hate that one? Am I too obvious?)

Option 3: Dad Music  
Goodbye Stranger-Supertramp  
All Star- Smash Mouth (99% sure Thad is making a joke but Wes is into it)  
It’s Not Unusual- Tom Jones  
Uptown Girl-Billy Joel

4:44-4:50: We devolve into gossiping about whether or not Kurt and Sebastian actually hate each other. All evidence on either side is very nebulous and, to quote Wes, “vibe-based”, I will be noting any proof in upcoming minutes so I can win this argument when it comes up next.  
4:51: Wes tells me not to take note of our gossip, so in spite I will record that in his opinion, Kurt hates Sebastian because Sebastian is into Blaine and Blaine is a bit into him back and Kurt is jealous.  
4:52: Thad demands that I take note of his opinion too so he feels important. Thad is convinced that Sebastian is fond of Kurt, who hates him because of his general demeanor. Blaine has nothing to do with their friendship, but, Blaine is, and I quote, “is definitely in love with Kurt”.  
4:53-4:59: As I write down his quote, Thad states that it really is obvious and the whole fight starts over again, this time centered on Blaine’s involvement. Our meeting time is complete.  
5:00: Meeting adjourned.

-

**Reddit**

r/relationships  
Posted by u/parisianmanwhore6

I (17M) think I ruined my chances with my crush (17M)

This sounds so juvenile, I know, but I am NOT USED to having crushes. Look at my username. Anyway, there’s this guy… he’s so cool. Not even cool, he’s a total nerd, but he owns it, y’know? He’s proud of it. He knows who he is and won’t back down and he’s the fucking bravest person I know. 

We’re also very mean to each other. It’s our thing, but I can’t tell if we’re friends or not because we are usually pretty busy bickering to talk about labels, which means that he might hate me. I’d understand why lol, we’ve exchanged some BARBS (also he’s so witty, I love it), and I love talking with him, but I can’t tell where the projected annoyance turns into real annoyance. I’m not a romantic, I don’t have serious boyfriends… I don’t know how this works.

Long story short, I was doing my manwhore thing and joking about trying to hook up with our mutual friend and I found out yesterday that he is apparently in some flirtationship with said mutual friend (idk if that’s serious either), and another friend said that he hates me because I flirt so much with that guy? How do I know if he hates me, anyway? Am I dead in the water? 

COMMENTS:

Kittystands  
This is,,,, fascinating dude. My advice is to take it slow. Find out if you’re friends before you stick your tongue down this guy’s throat. Maybe try being genuine? It feels like you joke around a lot. How is he going to know what’s happening if you don’t say it?

89tittysmasher56  
U sound like a grade a jerk tbh, just move on, suck a dick or smth

GavelLuvr  
Ask yourself how you can honestly express yourself and go from there!! Sometimes it’s music, sometimes it’s poetry, you never know! Start there! Good luck!

-

**Warbler Meeting**

3:00: Meeting commences. Notes from the previous Warbler meeting are read.  
*I note that Kurt and Sebastian ARE sitting next to each other. They are not talking or touching, but they aren’t avoiding each other and chose to sit next to each other. HMM.  
3:03-3:06: Wes reminds us of the upcoming weekend retreat, Sectionals performance, and the days with extended rehearsals. Answers necessary schedule questions.  
3:07: Blaine suggests that we perform something “more indie”, Wes refers him to talk to the council after the meeting. Thad, however, asks what kind of song he has in mind.  
3:08-3:12: Improvised, acapella performance of Tongue Tied by Grouplove ensues. Notetaker is not a fan.  
*Sebastian and Kurt dance along, they do not sing with Blaine. Interesting. They appear to be talking to each other at some moments, as if joking with each other? INTERESTING.  
*oh nevermind halfway through the song Blaine grabbed Kurt’s hand and they danced together.  
*Sebastian looks sad? He keeps looking at them… that could be because they are making noise or because he’s in love with one of them.  
3:13-3:20: Wes gives a lengthy speech about order and reprimands Blaine for “starting a riot”.

Good Quote-  
Sebastian: Yeah, Blaine... When I’m stressed I don’t interrupt Warbler rehearsal, I just f-  
Kurt: If you finish that sentence I will rip out your glued on Ken doll hair and push it so far up your ass you’ll taste it.

3:21-3:27: We get back on track, Wes presents the current options. People are weirdly perceptive and unironically okay with doing Smash Mouth? Am I the weird one?  
3:28-3:45: Warm ups. Jason complains that they’ve already sung and Wes rips him a new one.  
*Kurt and Sebastian aren’t standing next to each other anymore :(. Seb is looking at Kurt and Blaine like he wants to kill one of them.  
3:46: Wes mentions that we will have one of our “impromptu” school wide performances soon, and he wants to use it to test-run some of the competition numbers.  
3:47: Sebastian states that for the sake of having one surefire, previously rehearsed hit in the lineup, we perform “No Scrubs”. The council agrees  
*”Don’t do it, Sebastian just wants us to do that because he wants another excuse to fight about which TLC member he is, the intentions are NOT pure.” -Kurt. This feels loaded.  
3:48-4:01: Despite all attempts to contain it, we get into a fight over which member of TLC Sebastian is. (note taker agrees that he is, in fact, Lisa Left Eye Lopes.)  
*”Sebastian justy wants to be Left Eye because he’s imagining that he’d be the Lisa Left Eye Lopes when he is, in fact, the one getting his house burned down.” This fascinates me.  
4:02: No consensus is reached. Wes calls for a five minute break.

-

**Kurt and Sebastian’s Text Messages**

Sebastian: Kurt  
Sebastian: Kurtie  
Sebastian: Kurtie-Kins!!

Kurt: I’ll block you

Sebastian: but I have a question

Kurt: What is the question? If the question is about Left Eye Lopes I’ll kill you.

Sebastian: your ability to put so many threats in such a small space amazes me  
Sebastian: okay so I’m trying to be genuine, and I have a serious, not a joke question.

Kurt: If you want an honest answer, I’ll give you one.  
Kurt: I’m getting nervous

Sebastian: don’t be nervous  
Sebastian: it’s just  
Sebastian: Are we friends? 

Kurt: Yeah, I think so. Are we?

Sebastian: u just answered it why are u asking me

Kurt: Friendship is a two way street, I sorta need your confirmation if that’s where we are? I can’t walk around thinking that you’re my friend and then someone corrects me to say that you actually are planning to murder me.

Sebastian: wait friends can’t murder each other? Fuck

Kurt: I’m guessing we’re going back into joke territory?  
Kurt: Because if I receive another serious death threat I’m going to combust.

Sebastian: of course I’m joking  
Sebastian: wait, another SERIOUS death threat??

Kurt: It’s part of my tragic backstory. You’ll need a bit more before we get there, buddy.

Sebastian: I’ll buy you coffee

Kurt: deal! :)

-

**Facebook Page: The Warblers**

[image description: Kurt, Blaine, Sebastian, David, and Jason leaning up against Kurt’s car, coffees in their hand with duffel bags at their feet. It is clearly early morning.]  
Caption: Off to the annual Warbler retreat! We have a council member in the car, and a playlist to match the 3 hour car ride… wish us luck!

-

David’s incomplete list of homoerotic moments in the car!!!  
-when Jason asked why I was opening this notes tab on my phone, I just showed him the title of the list and he said “oh I get it”. this shit has gotten truly obvious if even JASON knows about it.  
-Sebastian has shotgun status… he says it’s because he needs leg room tho?  
-there seems to be less insulting than usual!! I love it!  
-they duetted “Every Breath You Take”  
-when Kurt hit the high note in Bohemian Rhapsody Sebastian smiled so hard. Damn that boy just might be in love tbh  
-Blaine serenaded Kurt with a Disney song? He looked very earnest about it  
-Sebastian said that he thinks he won’t have casual sex anymore. He said it out of nowhere. He went on a rant about how he thinks he’s moved on from that when Blaine asked him for funny sexual exploit stories. I have my theories on why  
-Kurt said he wanted to be serenaded again and now Jason is singing “Teenage Dirtbag” to him and trying to reach over to hold Kurt’s hand  
-I serenaded Kurt too  
-Sebastian serenaded Kurt but only after we asked him to so he could complete the circle  
-I had Sebastian do Fuck Marry Kill for the people in the car and he said “marry Kurt”. The character development is immaculate  
-Sebastian asked Kurt to serenade him and?????? Oh god oh fuck I’m goign to try to get the following excange as close as possible:

Kurt: but you hate my voice, why would you want me to sing to you?  
Sebastian: I don’t. I never did.  
Kurt: But-  
Blaine: yeah your voice is beautiful-  
Sebastian: I’m being genuine here. I love your voice. Nobody in this car can repeat that, I need to keep up the bit that me and Kurt hate each other.

-SUCK ON THAT WES AND THAD

-

**Trent’s Spam Instagram Account:**

10:56  
[image description: a candid of the Warblers sitting around a fire]  
Caption: truth or dare with the warblers is going to be hell. Acapella groups should not have this much drama… I’m going to need an inhaler by the end of this

11:05  
[image description: “Cryptid” type shot of Kurt and Blaine sitting really close to each other by the dwindling light of the fire]  
Caption: Thanks I hate it!!!!

Comments (3)  
b.la.i.n.e.spam: stop it we’re cute!!!!  
jeffyloveschexmix: you asked the question that started it, it’s your fault  
nickyhateschexmix: What did you THINK would happen when you asked Blaine who he had a crush on???? 

-

**Warbler Officer Group Chat:**

David: Poll time. Is it trashy or sweet that Blaine confessed his feelings to Kurt over truth or dare.

Wes: go the fuck to sleep we have to wake up at 7 tomorrow

Thad: sweet, I think

Wes: Why are you guys up?? Go to slEEP

David: I can’t sleep. I have so many opinions and I need to know if you guys agree

Wes: I’d rather you not trash our lead soloist’s new relationship please!!

David: But they aren’t right for each other

Thad: They’re cute though, and it doesn’t need to be forever or anything

David: whatever, I’m going to talk to someone who gets it

Wes: if you stay up later I’ll be merciless in the morning

-

**Twitter**

Sebastian Smythe @sebastard.official  
What is it about having a heart to heart by a lake that makes it so much more healing??

David Grant @juicyfruit010  
@sebastard.official it’s the h2o…. Also good talk bro

Seastian Smythe @sebastard.official  
@juicyfruit010 I was talking about a different talk, but ours was okay I guess

-

**Facebook Page: The Warblers**

[image description: similar shot of Jason, Kurt, Blaine, Sebastian, and David in front of Kurt’s car, only they are in different clothes and visibly way more tired.]  
Caption: Who said car rides back from epic Warbler retreats couldn’t rock? Certainly not the Warblers!

-

**Jason’s Snapchat Story:**

Snap 1:  
[Video description: Quickshot that pans across the car, revealing seating placement. Sebastian has shotgun again, and in the video’s audio is a couple seconds of Blaine complaining that as the boyfriend, he should have shotgun privileges while Sebastian talks about having tall boy privileges.]  
Caption: Warbler Road Trip part one! Now with even more gay tension!

Snap 2:  
[Still in car, transcript below:  
Sebastian: All I’m saying is that out of the Warblers, Kurt looks the most like Jake Gyllenhaal, and is therefore the only one I would trust to enter a Brokeback Mountain situation with!  
Blaine: That doesnt make any fucking sense and you know it. Kurt doesn’t even look like Jake-  
David: Dark hair blue eyes!  
Blaine: If that’s your metric, then-  
Kurt: Why are we even talking about this. I’d never have sex in a tent, especially not with Sebastian-  
Sebastian: I’d be a fantastic lover, even in a tent.  
Kurt: I highly doubt that-  
Sebastian: Well take me for a test drive then! I’ll prove you wrong, princess, show you exactly how-  
Blaine: Sebastian!]  
No caption, with a “Sound On” sticker.

Snap 3:  
[image description: A closeup on Blaine’s visibly upset face]  
Caption: David isn’t letting him sing along :/ #freeblaine

Snap 4:  
[video description: Everyone in the car belting out “Sweet Caroline” like their lives depend on it]  
Caption: order restored #blainefreed

Snap 5:  
[video description: Sebastian in the car, turned around a bit so everyone can hear his story, transcript below:  
Sebastian: so there I am, and at this point I have lube all over my feet, right? And he says ‘hey, can you get me a towel’, and I’m too nice to say no-  
Kurt: Since when could you be described as nice?  
Sebastian: Trust me, sweetie, I’m very pleasant post-coitus. Anyway, I realize that I need to walk down the hall with slippery feet, and I think oh my god, I’m gonna trip and embarrass myself-  
(Video cuts off)]  
Caption: Sebastian goes wild, not clickbait

Snap 6:  
[image description: Zoomed in close up if Kurt admonishing someone in the car]  
Caption: I tried to start chanting for McDonalds :/

Snap 7:  
[image description: The classic McDonalds arches, seen through the car window, they’re clearly in a drive through]  
Caption: No one can wear Kurt down quite like Sebastian can!!

Snap 8:  
[image description: David laughing his ass off]  
Caption: Kurt just told him what he’d do to him if he didn’t clean up after his Mickey D’s

Snap 9:  
[Video description: another short clip of everyone in the car singing, only this time it’s “Seasons of Love”]

Snap 10:  
[Image description: All of the boys outside the car, posing for the picture in their “silly” poses]  
Caption: Theyre stupid but I love them 

-

**The “Diva” Group Chat:**

Kurt: Guys!!! I have news!!!

Mercedes: Spill!

Kurt: Me and Blaine are dating!! :D

Rachel: Officially?

Kurt: Yes!!! He’s my boyfriend. Officially!!! :D

Mercedes: Aaaaaaah I’m gonna start screaming at my phone! I’m so excited for you!

Kurt: Me too!! :D

Rachel: What’s wrong.

Kurt: what?  
Kurt: Nothing’s wrong

Mercedes: Stop projecting your relationship struggles onto my boy.

Rachel: You have placed happy emoticons after every text, you’re overcorrecting. What’s wrong?

Kurt: Nothing is wrong  
Kurt: literally everything I want has happened. I’m not being bullied, I have an awesome boyfriend.

Mercedes: Here, Rachel, here’s my idea. We all have lunch together, you, me, and Klaine, and then you can decide if something is wrong. In person. 

Rachel: Fine. Double date style at Breadstix?

Kurt: I don’t want to have dinner with you two if you just want an excuse to judge my love life

Rachel: Is there something to judge?

Kurt: you’ll find something

Rachel: We will see.

-

**Reddit**

r/relationships  
Posted by u/parisianmanwhore6

Is it unethical for me (17M) to invite my crush (17M) clubbing if he’s taken?

I wouldn’t usually care about being ethical or whatever but I want this to work out with him and his boyfriend is an asshole and it’s not like we’re going to DO anything but I want to watch him dance to Whitney Houston???? Help??

COMMENTS:

Juniperchild  
Looked through the user and the deevolution of his writing ability from his last post to this one is hilarious. The boy’s got it BAD

89tittysmasher56  
the asshole starts asking about ethics :/ interesting

Xx_insaneclownposse45_xX  
As long as you don’t make a move on him i guess it’s okay? A bit sketchy but follow your bliss my dude. To a reasonable degree.

-

**Kurt’s Snapchat**

Snap 1  
[image description: Mirror selfie of Kurt and Sebastian in one of the Dalton dormitory common bathrooms. Sebastian is focusing on styling his hair, Kurt is chilling in the back. Both are in club getups.]  
Caption: I know the warbler retreat just ended, he said. Let’s go clubbing, he said. What could go wrong, he said.

Snap 2:  
[image description: Sebastian making a silly face at the camera. They appear to be standing on the sidewalk outside of Dalton.]  
Caption: TFW when he says he’ll pay for the uber because he’s rich

Snap 3:  
[video description: still on the sidewalk, transcript below  
Kurt: Say it for the camera, meerkat, what did you say after you saw my post?  
Sebastian: This is more incriminating for you than me, I’m not going to-  
Kurt: Say it-  
Sebastian: Fine! What I said- I made a joke about how I’d be a good sugar daddy, and that you’d be my sugar baby, that was the whole joke-  
Kurt: (giggling from behind the camera) Thank you! Now it’s on video so I’ll hold you to it!  
Sebastian: Wait a fucking minute! You-]  
Caption: You think the son of a lawyer would be more careful with making promises…

Snap 4:  
[image description: the two are inside the uber, both in the backseat. Sebastian is looking intently at his phone]  
Caption: Look At That Dumbass

Snap 5:  
[image description: Sebastian, holding up the most recent story post Kurt made with an exaggerated pout.]  
Caption: Gotta knock him down a peg

Snap 6:  
[image description: the outside of Scandals]  
Caption: Pray 4 me Mercedes <3

-

**Sebastian and David’s Private Messages**

Sebastian: This was such a bad idea

David: What did you do???

Sebastian: Nothing we’re just dancing, I’m taking a bathroom break or w/e, it’s just??? How is he so good?

David: Hmm?

Sebastian: Fuck  
Sebastian: I really like him  
Sebastian: More than I thought I did  
Sebastian: FUCK

David: Bro love is a beautiful thing

Sebastian: I’m not in love, and even if I was  
Sebastian: It’s not a beautiful thing when he’s dating BLAINE and hates me!!!

David: He doesn’t hate you  
David: He literally let you take him to a club

Sebastian: Okay okay whatever. I’m just going to go out there, dance with Kurt, and pretend like I don’t really really like him

-

**Sebastian’s Snapchat Story**

Snap 1  
[video description: Kurt taking a sip of a ridiculously pink cocktail, and wrinkling his nose before smiling at Sebastian and saying “It’s not bad!”]  
Caption: My boy Kurt having his first drink!!! Oh how twinks grow up :,)

Snap 2  
[image description: clearly a while later, both in the backseat of an uber, Kurt smiling at the camera and giving two thumbs up]  
Caption: Twink Reviews: Gay Clubbing is Good!

Snap 3  
[image description: selfie of Kurt resting his head on Sebastian’s shoulder in the Dalton common room. Sebastian is smiling and is holding one thumb up.]  
Caption: Twunk Reviews: Sleepy Twink is Good!

-

**Blaine and Sebastian’s Private Messages**

Blaine: Sebastian?

Sebastian: Blaine?

Blaine: Why are you acting weird

Sebastian: What? I’m not acting weird.

Blaine: You are, and you know it, so i’m going to ask you what’s going on with you.

Sebastian: What’s making you think that something’s wrong??

Blaine: You’re being all nice to Kurt all of the sudden, you seem mad at me like, all the time. Are you mad at me because I asked Kurt out? I get that you’re into me, but don’t act like that

Sebastian: i’m not into you

Blaine: i wouldn’t expect you to admit it

Sebastian: Blaine. It is genuinely funny how not into you I am.

Blaine: I wouldn’t expect you to admit  
Blaine: Just stop messing with Kurt, okay? You may not like it but he’s my boyfriend.

Sebastian: Kurt and I were friends before you two got together, you know that right?

Blaine: i barely saw you two together  
Blaine: You can’t lie to me, it’s Kurt, I know him

Sebastian: Clearly you don’t

Blaine: What the fuck does that mean

Sebastian: Forget it

Blaine: Answer my question  
Blaine: Sebastian?  
Blaine: Sebastian answer  
Blaine: If you blocked my number I swear to god

-

**Sebastian’s Spam Instagram Account**

[Image description: The screenshots of the conversation he and Blaine just had]  
Caption: I’m in deep shit!!! I really am. 

COMMENTS:  
Jeffyloveschexmix: Sebastian PLEASE spill the tea. Please explain what the fuck is happening I thought you and Blaine were friends???

Sebbastard69: @jeffyloveschexmix Me and Blaine are friendLY. I joke around and pretend I have a crush on him as a bit, I act way different with people that I’m actually into!! But the self absorbed ass thinks I’m in love with him or something and he’s being weird

Jeffyloveschexmix: @sebbastard69 yeah but what’s the whole thing with Kurt

Sebbastard69: @jeffyloveschexmix It’s a whole other story

Jeffyloveschexmix: @sebbastard69 Please text it to me I’m so curious

Sebbastard69: @jeffyloveschexmix Not right now. I’m afraid the “whole thing with Kurt” is above ur security clearance mate

-

**Kurt’s Facebook**

Update: According to Rachel, I shouldn’t change my relationship status until she sees me and Blaine together in person… why do I listen to her again?

Comments  
David Grant: Friends’ approval matters!  
Blaine Anderson: Worth the wait :)  
Mercedes Jones: Rachel’s crazy… she says she’s going into “detective mode”, whatever the hell THAT means  
Rachel Berry: I’m nothing if not thorough <3  
Finn Hudson: so am I invited to brunch or…?  
Santana Lopez: Glee Brunch! Glee Brunch! Glee Brunch!  
Brittany S. Pierce: its spelld crunch i think

-

**Twitter**

Blaine Anderson @bow.tie.guy  
When brunch with your bf and his two best friends get crashed by an entire high school show choir… yikes

-

**The New Directions Group Chat**

Rachel: Okay team! Do we approve of Kurt and Blaine, AKA Klaine?

Mercedes: Hell to the no

Finn: Mercedes I thought you liked him

Mercedes: I’m what they call an actor

Puck: I do not approve. I got bad energy from it.

Quinn: Energy?

Puck: Yeah, bad energy is real

Santana: Puck, grow up  
Santana: I won’t call you gay if you say bad vibes

Puck: okay, yeah. I got bad vibes.

Santana: what are you, fucking gay?

Puck: Why do i trust you anymore 

Sam: I have my own reasons for not liking the match, but I don’t know how valid they are

Rachel: Please share!

Sam: Is it just me or did Kurt seem pacified around Blaine? Like he was not 100%?

Quinn: Yeah… I can’t tell if that’s because he doesn’t feel the need to perform toughness anymore, though. Like, maybe he just jokes around a lot as a defense mechanism, but doesn’t because he feels like the doesn’t need to when he’s with Blaine.

Finn: But Kurt acts like that when he’s comfortable, too

Santana: when he made that bitchy joke about the latest Vogue cover Blaine looked at him weird and he shut up real quick

Mercedes: Yeah, Kurt needs a boy who lets him be as catty as he wants

Tina: someone who challenges him  
Tina: Blaine just pacifies him  
Tina: kurt needs a boy who’ll bite back

Mercedes: …

Tina: Mercedes gets it

Rachel: What? 

Mercedes: I mean, in terms of boys in Kurt’s life who “bite back”...

Puck: are y’all talking about that guy who looks like he calls octopus “calamari” even when it’s alive  
Puck: the one who’s on his stories all the time?

Finn: Sebastian? 

Quinn: What does Burt think about Sebastian? I’m going to follow his ig and do some searching

Finn: uhh do you want me to ask?

Santana: obviously  
Santana: while you’re at it ask about his opinion on blaine

Finn: okay  
Finn: he said that “Blaine is alright, not my favorite but Kurt could do worse” and that “Sebastian is a Rat Bastard. I love that kid.”

Rachel: That is fascinating.

-

**Twitter**

Sebastian Smythe @sebastard.official  
Sometimes the entire McKinley Glee Club follows you at once and you gotta say c’est la vie. That’s life. 

-

**Kurt’s Facebook**

Update: Rachel’s formal advice is to put Blaine and I’s relationship status as “It’s Complicated”, for those curious

Comments  
Blaine Anderson: Star Crossed Lovers?  
Sebastian Smythe: Damn, that’s cold, Rachel. Mad respect tho.  
Rachel Berry: Thank you Sebastian, I’m glad we’re on the same page.  
Mercedes Jones: I second Rachel’s recommendation. The drama of “it’s complicated” is unparalleled. It sounds so mysterious

-

 **Phone Call**  
Sunday, lasting from 3:04PM-3:32  
(Important snippets below)

Kurt: Sebastian? Why are you calling?  
Sebastian: Well, hello to you too, Gayface.  
Kurt: That’s an old one.  
Sebastian: I know.  
(a few beats of silence)  
Kurt: Why are you-  
Sebastian: I wanted to talk about my day. And hear about yours. This is- is it weird that I miss you? I haven’t seen you in what, a day or two? I want to hear about your day.  
Kurt: Why didn’t you text?  
Sebastian: I wanted to hear your voice.  
Kurt: You hate my voice.  
Sebastian: It’s one of my favorite things about you, jackass. I never hated it. I never- I never hated you.  
(silence)  
Kurt: Distance makes the heart grow fonder, huh?  
[...]  
Kurt: ...and then she just hits the note like it’s nothing, I don’t know how I haven’t watched this before, it’s so up my alley!  
Sebastian: Sounds like it. What’s the name of the video, again? I want to watch it now…  
[...]  
Sebastian: No shit, you can work on cars?  
Kurt: Yep. I’m best on run of the mill, classic Ohio cars, but I can fix up whatever ridiculous car you have, if you need it.  
Sebastian: Depends… do you wear the greasemonkey outfit and get all dirty?  
Kurt: yes, but not in a sexy way.  
Sebastian: We don’t know that for sure until I see it.  
[...]  
Sebastian: I need to go, my Maman is demanding I help her pick out herbs or whatever she’s into these days… talk to you later?  
Kurt: Yeah. This was.;..  
Sebastian: Nice.  
Kurt: Yeah. It was nice. Even if your voice sounds like you’re trying to sell me drugs no matter what words you’re saying.  
Sebastian: (laughter) yeah, I’m glad. Have a good day, okay?  
Kurt: I will. Bye!  
Sebastian: bye!

-

**Private Messages between David and Sebastian**

Sebastian: fuck

David: What now?

Sebastian: I‘m in love with him

David: oh, fuck


	2. Chapter 2

**Sebastian and Rachel’s Text Messages**

Rachel: Why won’t you confirm my request to follow your spam account on Instagram?

Sebastian: Rachel?  
Sebastian: How did you get my number

Rachel: I have my ways.

Sebastian: What are the ways

Rachel: I’ll tell you if you let me follow your spam account.

Sebastian: have we even met in person

Rachel: Not yet.

Sebastian: thats so cryptic wtf

Rachel: It is not cryptic, it is the truth. We are both close with Kurt, so we will meet in person eventually.

Sebastian: Why do you even want my finsta so much???

Rachel: I need to vet you, to see if you really are the one for Kurt.

Sebastian: w h a t  
Sebastian: Kurt is dating Blaine

Rachel: I know.  
Rachel: The other members of the New Directions think you are his ideal beau, and I want to make sure that is true.

Sebastian: im so deeply confused

Rachel: Why? Don’t you have feelings for Kurt?

Sebastian: Why do you think I do?

Rachel: Do you really want me to list the reasons?

Sebastian: No, that would prob be embarrassing

Rachel: Okay, then, let me follow or else I will list the reasons.

Sebastian: FINE

-

**Twitter**

Sebastian Smythe @sebastard.official  
Can confirm after a sighting that @rachelberryofficial is really as scary as they say

Kurt Hummel @kurtelizabethhummel  
@sebastard.official WHAT DID SHE DO

Rachel Berry @rachelberryofficial  
I’m just glad that Sebastian is so cooperative! :D!

-

**Burt Hummel’s Email**

Madeline Gilbert-Smythe  
To: Burt Hummel  
Subject: Ohio LGBTQ+ Advocacy PAC Fundraiser

Hello Mr. Hummel!

This is Madeline Gilbert-Smythe, and my son, Sebastian, who I believe you have met, has requested that I invite you and your son Kurt to a fundraiser for a PAC that my husband contributes to. It’ll be this Saturday at the Hilton, can you make it? All the info is in the attached pdf.

Thank you,  
Madeline Gilbert-Smythe

Burt Hummel  
To: Madeline Gilbert-Smythe  
Subject: Re: Ohio LGBTQ+ Advocacy PAC Fundraiser

Oh my god, that sounds super cool! I have met your son, I’m guessing you haven’t met mine… is it a black tie event? Also, what cause are the funds being raised for? Either way, I’ll tell Kurt and see if he’s interested too! I can’t imagine him not loving the idea, though…

-

**Sebastian and Kurt’s Text Messages**

Kurt: another day, another Blaine solo…

Sebastian: Please Go OFf

Kurt: It’s not like that  
Kurt: I love his voice but??? I also love jeff’s  
Kurt: And nick’s and trent’s and wes’ and david’s and yours (and mine)

Sebastian: If you want to sing a song or two at the party on saturday I can pull those strings

Kurt: ??? Really?

Sebastian: Yeah. I think the artist schedule for musical entertainment is going to be a rotating situation, instead of one singer for the night

Kurt: How do I already have the perfect song

Sebastian: Oh?

Kurt: Defying Gravity

Sebastian: How Rachel of u

Kurt: I almost performed it at McKinley but had to throw the performance because of homophobia

Sebastian: What?

Kurt: It was after I came out, my dad started getting harrassed because I was so “out there”, and it was an audition for a competition. I knew that if I performed a “””GiRlS sOnG””” in front of a crowd he’d get harrassed even more, so I threw it  
Kurt: And if I can finally perform it for real? At a fundraiser for a cause that’s related to why the first performance went wrong? The poetic justice

Sebastian: Kurt  
Sebastian: I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure this can happen

Kurt: really?

Sebastian: Yes.  
Sebastian: now.. Back to roasting your darling boyfriend… 

-

**Sebastian’s main Instagram**

8:34  
Location tagged: Westerville Hilton  
[image description: Kurt and Sebastian standing by each other, smiling at the camera]  
Caption: get you a man who can rock a suit like kurt!!!

COMMENTS:  
Blaine.anderson3: thanks. I did.  
Grandmeresmythe: Sebastian! You did not tell me about this boy! Je suis furieux!  
Rick_ian_for_congress: It was lovely meeting you at this event! Young voices like yours are going to save the world!  
Phatass1234: Oh so THIS is the reason you deleted grindr Yr loss lol  
Smythe.melissa.jane: Stop talking to your boy toy and save dad. If he has to explain what equity is to another boomer I think he’s gonna lose it!!!

10:26  
Location tagged: Westerville Hilton  
[video description: transcript below  
Kurt: I had to grow up in a world that wouldn’t let me sing at a place I’m supposed to be safe. Because of the work you are all doing, I’m even closer to being able to feel safe again, whether I’m singing, holding hands with my boyfriend, or just living. What I’m singing for is for a new normal.  
(the instrumentation begins, and Kurt sings “Defying Gravity”.)  
Video cuts off about a third of the way through the song.]  
Caption: Sorry for my shaky hands, everyone wanted the video so I figured I could provide!

Grandmeresmythe: Where is the rest of the video?! Also, I want details, mister! I will email you with all my questions about this new boy.  
Dav1dgr4nt: I’m crying in the club tonight  
Jeffyloveschexmix: why can’t I marry a video? 

-

**David and Blaine’s Text Messages**

Blaine: Hey, david? You and Sebastian are close, right?

David: yeah, kinda  
David: Did he say something stupid? I promise he probably didn’t mean that sometimes his lips start moving and he forgets that he’s capable of stopping them

Blaine: It’s just that he’s been acting really weird  
Blaine: [screenshots of previous conversation he had with Sebastian]  
Blaine: Do you know what this is about?

David: What do you think are the possibilities

Blaine: I’m pretty sure that he has a crush on me and is trying to mess with Kurt out of revenge, but I’m confused because he’s been posting stuff about Kurt and being really public about their friendship, and I feel like if he was using Kurt he’d be less open?  
Blaine: unless he really is that evil…

David: Have you considered the possibility that he’s into Kurt?

Blaine: lol

David: What’s lol worthy about that?

Blaine: I’m looking for real possibilities

David: I think it is possible that Sebastian likes Kurt

Blaine: Come on  
Blaine: It’s Kurt

David: What?

Blaine: It’s that simple. This is KURT we’re talking about here  
Blaine: Sebastian isn’t into him

David: I don’t know what you mean by that

Blaine: I like him a lot, but he’s an acquired taste. Seb has always liked a different type  
Blaine: y’know, guys like me

David: i guess

-

**Sebastian and David’s Text Messages**

David: [screenshots of the conversation he just had with Blaine]

Sebastian: what the FUCK

David: I don’t know what to do with this

Sebastian: I’m going to show Kurt

David: it’s super late tho  
David: I think you should sleep on that decision to send them  
David: or at least ask someone who knows Kurt a bit better

Sebastian: I cannot believe what I am about to do

-

**Sebastian and Rachel’s Text Messages**

Sebastian: Are you awake

Rachel: Yes.  
Rachel: What do you need?

Sebastian: Advice about Kurt

Rachel: Are you ready to admit that you have a crush on him?

Sebastian: That is not the important thing here  
Sebastian: here’s the issue  
Sebastian: my friend sent me these  
Sebastian: [screenshots]  
Sebastian: Should I send them to Kurt????

Rachel: Is your friend who took these willing to send them to Kurt?

Sebastian: uhh lemme check  
Sebastian: he said he would if you and I thought that was the best idea  
Sebastian: is that the best idea?

Rachel: It is the best idea. Kurt needs to know and there’s no need to exacerbate your participation in whatever fight they’re going to have. 

Sebastian: smart  
Sebastian: okay, he sent the messages. Thank you. I’m kinda freaking out?? I care about him a lot and it’s weird to see this happen

Rachel: So… Do you, by any chance, have a crush on Kurt?

Sebastian: Read 3:02 AM

Rachel: Why did you type that out?

Sebastian: to make my response clear  
Sebastian: also go the fuck to bed, it’s way past your bedtime. What are you, twelve?

Rachel: As a manchild yourself, it’s way too late for you too.

Sebastian: goodnight, weirdo

Rachel: Goodnight to you too. I enjoy our unholy alliance.

-

**Twitter**

Kurt Hummel @kurtelizabethhummel  
Sometimes I wake up, check my phone, and miss being a toddler who couldn’t read.

DavidGrant @jucyfruit010  
@kurtelizabethhummel Sorry about that

-

**Sebastian’s Email (translated from French to English)**

Amelie Gilbert  
To: Sebastian Smythe  
Subject: Questions

My grandson! Ever since I’ve downloaded Instagram so I could follow all my grandchildren, it seems like I’ve learned quite a bit about you… When were you going to tell me that you had a boyfriend? He looks lovely, I’d love to meet him next time I’m in town. What is that song he sang in that video you posted? It sounded very nice. 

On the topic of the next time in town, that’ll be sooner than we both expected… my very own new boyfriend has invited me on a trip to America, and I’d like to stop by Ohio to see my daughter and grandchildren. 

How’s Melissa doing? Is middle school treating her well? She said she was doing well, but I know kids lie sometimes… 

XOXO, your favorite grandmother!

Sebastian Smythe  
To: Amelie Gilbert  
Subject: Re: Questions

I will never understand why you insist on emails when you have a phone with which to text me, but so be it. The boy in my posts was not my boyfriend, but just a close friend. If you still want to meet him, I’m sure he’d love to talk to you. For some odd reason, he and older women get along very well. When will you be in town?

Amelie Gilbert  
To: Sebastian Smythe  
Subject: Re: Re: Questions

I would like to meet him, he has a unique talent that would warrant a live performance… that being said, if he gets along best with old women, then he will hate me! My youthful glow is simply unrivaled!

XOXO, love you!

-

**Blaine’s Spam Instagram Account**

10:36  
[image description: a selfie of Blaine, his hair unkempt and his face visibly distressed]  
Caption: Good morning! In today’s news, David is an asshole who sent my boyfriend out of context screenshots. Warbler drama is going to be the death of me. NOw Kurt is upset :/

COMMENTS:  
Tront.tront.trent: What were in the screenshots???  
B.la.i.n.e.spam: @tront.tront.trent I was asking him what the deal with Sebastian was, and then David was like “maybe Sebastian has a crush on Kurt” and I was explaining why that isn’t true and then David sent the screenshots to Kurt to make it seem like I was saying that Kurt wasn’t desirable or something  
Jasonnotderulo: @b.la.i.n.e.spam what are the reasons? I’m actually curious lol  
B.la.i.n.e.spam: @jasonnotderulo I’ll make another post with the list in the captions

12:01  
[image description: a picture of Blaine’s dog]  
Caption: REASONS THAT SEB ISN’T INTO KURT  
-sebastian has been flirting with me since day 1 of knowing me  
-sebastian wasn’t even nice to kurt until after we started dating  
-kurt’s mean to him and Sebastian is the kind of guy who needs affection  
-kurt isn’t his type  
-even as “”friends””, sebastian doesn’t “flirt” the same way  
-sebastian knows that kurt would never cheat on me

COMMENTS:  
Jasonnotderulo: how do you know that Kurt isn’t his type tho? He never seemed like the kind of guy to have a Type™  
Tront.tront.trent: @jasonnotderulo Maybe? Doesn’t everyone have a type, in some way?  
Chexmix_neutral_thad: i mean just bc people think he’s into kurt doesn’r mean you have to worry about it??  
B.la.i.n.e.spam: @chexmix_neutral_thad wait do alot of people think that?  
Chexmix_neutral_thad: @b.la.i.n.e.spam uhhh yeah??? It’s a whole conspiracy theory that we have… Nick has a google doc that’s just proof

-

**Facebook**

Update: Blaine Anderson has changed his relationship status to “It’s Complicated”.

-

 **Phone Call**  
Saturday, lasting from 5:48PM-9:21  
(important snippets below)

Sebastian: Hello? Kurt?  
Kurt: Hey.  
Sebastian: What’s up?  
Kurt: I need to talk to someone who’s sane, I think. Me and Blaine have been fighting and he changed his relationship status which is stupid because I haven’t even changed mine yet but… I’m exhausted. He’s obviously just doing it to make me upset, and that’s shitty- I’m sorry, I know I’m ranting-  
Sebastian: I’m always happy to hear your rants, don’t worry about that. Just tell me what’s happened so far, okay?

[...]

Kurt: [laughing]  
Sebastian: No! Seriously! I think Rachel just might know what to do!  
Kurt: I get it, you’ve gone stupid, all the blood in your brain has moved permanently south after all the public bathroom sex you’ve had, but that’s such a bad idea.  
Sebastian: I know that she’s crazy! And that’s why she’d know what to do! If you just hint to her that you want help she’d, like, hack into Blaine’s computer and discover his true intentions or whatever. No questions asked.  
Kurt: She probably has access to the Conspiracy google doc, so she could actually tell me what the fuck it says.  
Sebastian: What document?  
Kurt: There’s some conspiracy that we’re in love with each other, and the Warblers have a list of proof.  
Sebastian: I can try to get on it, I think they think I’m cool en-  
Kurt: Rachel probably started it in the first place, though.  
Sebastian: I wonder who’s added to it.  
Kurt: Definitely Jason.  
Sebastian: Obviously.

[...]

Kurt: I love your mom! I’m glad she likes me that much.  
Sebastian: Of course she does, it’s you.  
(silence)  
Sebastian: What? Did I say something?  
Kurt: No, not at all, I just… the texts, with David and Blaine, when David asked him why you weren’t attracted to me, the first thing he said was ‘come on, it’s KURT’, like it was obvious that… Thank you, I guess.  
Sebastian: For what?  
Kurt: Saying it like that. Acting like it was obvious. I don’t know, it just… it was a moment for me.  
Sebastian: A moment of what?  
Kurt: Self worth, I think.

[...]

Sebastian: Melissa keeps asking about you, too. I think she wants someone to talk about reality television with.  
Kurt: Depends on the show. If it’s something like the Bachelor, I’ll need you there so I have another gay person in the room to look at when some straight bullshit goes down.  
Sebastian: Anything for you, Kurti-kins.  
Kurt: I hate you.  
Sebastian: Love you too.

[...]

Kurt: Holy shit, we’ve been talking for-  
Sebastian: A while, I know. Next thing you know, we’re going to start singing duets to each other over the phone.  
Kurt: Don’t tease me!

[...]

Kurt: Sebastian. Bas. Seb. Tian. Dummy. Horndog. Sebby.  
Sebastian: Highly considering just letting you keep listing nicknames for me., if I’m being honest.  
Kurt: I don’t want to hang up.  
Sebastian: I wasn’t telling you to.  
Kurt: I know I’ll have to eventually, I’m just dreading having to answer Blaine’s texts.  
Sebastian: He’s been texting you?  
Kurt: Yeah, and I feel guilty about the whole thing, and it sucks having to confront that. I get that I’m being unfair for being so hurt about this, what he said wasn’t that bad, but- whatever.  
Sebastian: What were you going to say?  
Kurt: I was going to say that he knows I’m sensitive about that and shouldn't have been so surprised when I was offended by an implication that I wasn’t attractive. I get that he didn’t mean to say I wasn’t attractive, but it still hurts, you know?  
Sebastian: I do.  
Kurt: Thanks for listening to me about all of this. It’s nice to be allowed to be angry and offended and not have to act like Blaine’s the perfect boyfriend. Every time I even imply that he did something to hurt my feelings he just makes me feel bad for having hurt feelings, and it sucks.  
Sebastian: And he won’t get better, especially if he thinks you’re giving him the silent treatment. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you should call him.  
Kurt: I will. I’ll text you after, okay?  
Sebastian: It’s a plan. 

-

 **Kurt’s Notes on Phone**  
Titled: Pros and Cons of Breaking Up With Blaine

Pros:  
-no more weird guilting  
-Dad doesn’t like him that much  
-less weird tension/self hate over my feelings for Sebastian  
-less guilt over said feelings when I explain that Bas isn’t my boyfriend  
-won’t have to deal with blaine’s crazy parents anymore and their weird homophobia  
-will have to go to less theme park shows 

Cons:  
-Sebastian doesn’t even feel the same way so the feelings are stupid and shouldn’t be catered to like this anyway  
-kissing is nice and I’d miss it  
-having a relationship in general is something I’d miss  
-watching my ex perform at competitions and seeing him everyday at school is not ideal  
-he’s also king of the warblers so the weird social ramifications of a breakup would be a massive rough patch  
-I like watching movies and shows with him, the commentary is nice

Conclusion: ????

-

**Facebook**

Update: Kurt has changed his relationship status to ”It’s Complicated”

COMMENTS:  
Mercedes Jones: Oooh so mysterious….  
David Grant: What is even going on anymore  
Rachel Berry: Thank you for listening to my good advice!

-

**Glee Club Group Chat**

Finn: [screenshots of the “Reasons why Sebastian isn’t into Kurt” post] pretty sure blaine forgot that I follow his spam  
Finn: Who’s gonna tell him?

Sam: u hate to see it…

Quinn: and Rachel, you’re totally sure that this Sebastian kid and Kurt like each other?

Rachel: 100%. There is no doubt in my mind. Have you seen the proof? The Warblers started adding to it and it’s ridiculous.

Santana: those private school kids have way too much time on their hands if this is how they’re spending it

Tina: u gotta admit it’s pretty fun to watch

Santana: Porn is free and it’s online and these boys spend their waking hours on this??? Money corrupts

Puck: Damn right!

Quinn: Moving on from that. How would we even begin to get Blaine to see that he’s wrong on this?

Brittany: yeah, the gel in his hair makes it hard to get the ideas into the brain from the outside

Mercedes: omg brittany is right

Quinn: But she so obviously isn’t. that isn't how brains work

Mercedes: No, not that part

Brittany: yeah Quinn!!!

Mercedes: We need to make Blaine think it’s his idea

Sam: How would we do that though??

Rachel: I know what to do. It’s time for me to go to Breastix with Blaine and do some planting of ideas. Wish me luck.

Tina: wait are we going to let that be Plan A or???

Mercedes: Looks like it lmao

-

**Rachel’s Instagram Account**

6:36  
[image description: Blaine sitting across from her at a table at Breadstix, smiling for the camera over a plate of spaghetti and meatballs.]  
Caption: Oh, look, a Warbler got loose in the restaurant!

-

**Kurt and Blaine’s Text Messages**

Blaine: Hey Kurt, what are you doing rn?  
Blaine: I’m trying to settle a bet with Rachel

Kurt: uhh me and Sebastian are about to go to the Mamma Mia double feature, he’s buying the concessions right now  
Kurt: Can you believe that he hasn’t seen either of the Mamma Mia movies???? I simply HAD to enlighten him

Blaine: that sounds awesome! Tell me how it goes <3

Kurt: Will do

-

**Blaine’s Spam Instagram Account**

7:41  
[image description: A picture of Rachel, Smiling over her meatless spaghetti.]  
Caption: i hate when Rachel’s right. They are into each other fuck fuck fuck fuck

COMMENTS:  
Chexmix_neutral_thad: oof what are u gonna do about it?  
B.la.i.n.e.spam: @chexmix_neutral_thad idk. I really have no idea. I like him a lot, I don’t want to just let him go, but it’s not like he’s going to break up with me  
Jasonnotderulo: @b.la.i.n.e.spam Why not?  
B.la.i.n.e.spam: @jasonnotderulo He’s not the kind of guy who breaks up with people. I like him but he has “serial dumpee” energy tbh

-

**Kurt and Trent’s Text Messages**

Trent: [screenshot of the comments on Blaine’s most recent post]  
Trent: I have no idea if you care or if this is a crazy invasion of Blaine’s confidence but this feels like something you deserve to know

-

**Sebastian’s Spam Instagram Account**

8:56  
[image description: closeup of Sebastian with a furrowed brow, it’s dark, most likely in the theatre.]  
Caption: Whoever made Kurt cry in the middle of intermission between the two Mamma Mia movies? I hate you. In unrelated news I love Mamma Mia?!

COMMENTS:  
Nickyhateschexmix: spoiler alert it was Blaine  
Sebbastard69: @nickyhateschexmix I already hated Blaine so mission accomplished

-

**Facebook**

Update: Kurt Hummel changed his relationship status to single

COMMENTS:  
Rachel Berry: I’m so sorry, Kurt. Do you want to have another Glee brunch? We can always try to sing it better. Sebastian would be invited.  
Kurt Hummel: That honestly doesn’t sound like a bad idea.  
Sebastian Smythe: I’m in!  
Santana Lopez: Glee Brunch! Love it when Berry buys me food for the sake of “team morale”  
Noah Puckerman: Why doesn’t berry buy me food?!

Update: Blaine Anderson changed his relationship status to single.

COMMENTS:  
David Grant: Sorry man, that sucks  
Blaine Anderson: David, you literally started the events that led to the breakup. You do not get the right to sympathy  
David Grant: (0_0)

-

**Reddit**

r/relationships  
Posted by u/parisianmanwhore6

How can I (17M) keep my crush’s (17M) friends from getting suspicious?

My crush is newly single, so he and his friends are throwing a “sorry for the breakup” group brunch thing, and I’ve been invited. I am in love with him, but he doesn’t feel the same way, and I don’t want anyone to know, so how do I keep my feelings under the surface?

I think they may already suspect (their leader has been asking me ad nauseum about whether or not I have this crush), so I’ll be under heightened scrutiny. Any tips?

COMMENTS:

Wham-bam-thankyou-pam  
Honestly, act like you always do. Being suddenly more cold and distant will just bring more attention to you, while if you just act like you always do, you can say that you just act like that regularly, with or without the crush there.

8justinjustine8  
Why are you so sure that he doesn’t feel the same way? You’ve seen this guy in a relationship, maybe use this brunch as a chance to check HIS behavior.

-

**Sebastian’s Email (translated from French to English)**

Amelie Gilbert  
To: Sebastian Smythe, Melissa Jane Smythe, Madeline Gilbert-Smythe, Joe Gilbert-Smythe  
Subject: On my way!

Hello family! Me and my boyfriend have decided to come to Ohio and see you all the week after next. Sebastian, bring your boyfriend! I found the song he sang, it’s very inspiring. I can see why he likes it so much!

Joe Gilbert-Smythe  
To: Amelie Gilbert, Sebastian Smythe, Melissa Jane Smythe, Madeline Gilbert-Smythe  
Subject: Re: On my way!

So, Amelie, are you ready to tell us your boyfriend’s name? I’ll tell you Sebastian’s boyfriend’s name if you tell me about yours…

Amelie Gilbert  
To: Sebastian Smythe, Melissa Jane Smythe, Madeline Gilbert-Smythe, Joe Gilbert-Smythe  
Subject: Re: Re: On my way!

His name is Kurt, correct? I’ve looked at his Instagram profile. I support Sebastian’s choice! Very good! Sorry Joe, I’m just too good of an internet detective!

Joe Gilbert-Smythe  
To: Amelie Gilbert, Sebastian Smythe, Melissa Jane Smythe, Madeline Gilbert-Smythe  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: On my way!

Cripes, foiled again! My mother in law is just too good. 

-

**Tina’s additions to the Conspiracy Google Doc over the course of the brunch**

-Kurt drove Sebastian there so they could “save gas”, but what I’m hearing is that there were car duets.  
-Sebastian confirmed that there were car duets, he won’t reveal the song  
-Kurt also refuses to tell us the song. What are they hiding?  
^NOTE FROM NICK: I follow Sebastian’s Spotify, there are playlists that have some contenders for either being about Kurt or being car duets. Tina, do you want a link?  
-They’re sitting next to each other and occasionally kicking at each other to get attention. Idk what that means  
-Sebastian LOVES talking shit about Blaine. Waxing poetic about how he didn’t appreciate Kurt! Good content!  
-jsbfsfnfclsdmfjf Santana called Kurt “ladyface” and Sebastian said “hey, I’m the only one who can do that, it’s our thing”  
-Keeping count of every time Sebastian propositions Kurt as a “joke”. I’m at 3 and the appetizers JUST arrived.  
-Kurt burying his face into Sebastian’s shoulder because he’s laughing? Gay. The face Sebastian makes as a result? Even gayer  
-Kurt looks so proud every time Sebastian has a good interaction with any ND member  
-Proposition count at 5. Kurt has no fucking clue huh.  
-WOAH KURT JUST CASUALLY MENTIONED THAT HES MEETING SEBS GRANDMA????  
-his grandma is convinced that they’re dating, apparently

-

**Sebastian’s Snapchat Story**

Snap 1:  
[video description: Slow zoom in on Sam, who’s doing a Sean Connery impression]  
Caption: the fact that Sam isn’t tiktok famous is genuinely distressing to me

Snap 2:  
[image description: Artie biting into an orange slice and doing the orange peel smile]  
Caption: Kurt’s friends are crazy. Fucking party animals. The grind never stops with them.

Snap 3:  
[video description: Camera rapidly panning between Tina and Mercedes, on opposite sides of the table as they’re fighting very passionately, transcript below.  
Tina: No! Shut up! You’re just wrong!  
Mercedes: He’s objectively the sexiest Disney villain! No question.  
Tina: He’s a fucking lion!  
Mercedes: But he’s suave, he’s intelligent-  
Tina: He’s a fascist! Canonically!  
Mercedes: You call everyone a fascist!]  
Caption: mom im scared pick me up

Snap 4:  
[image description: A nice picture of Sebastian’s waffles with a filter]

Snap 5:  
[image description: Santana holding up her middle finger, looking straight at the camera]  
Caption: This was their reaction to me taking a picture of my food, reminds me why I don’t go to public school

-

**Glee Group Chat**

Rachel: So, team, what do we think about Sebastian?

Brittany: I’m pretty sure he’s gay but I’m not sure

Puck: im kinda shocked he and Kurt didn’t just fuck on the table right then and there during dessert

Quinn: Glad they didn’t.

Tina: he and Kurt are definitely into each other, there’s no doubt in my mind about that

Finn: I’ve known him for a hot minute because of how often he comes to the house and I can confirm that he always acts like that

Why aren’t they together yet? It’s so obvious. Just bone, the answer is so easy.

Mercedes: Kurt just got out of a relationship tho

Quinn: that would be a super quick turnaround...

Artie: from what I heard that relationship was NBD. It’s not like he’d be rebounding from much

Rachel: Yeah, Quinn is right. Timing is essential here. 

Finn: I don’t think Blaine is the problem, though  
Finn: If its right, it’s right, as far as timing goes  
Finn: the issue is that neither knows how the other feels

Santana: I cannot imagine them not knowing that the other is into them. They’re so obvious it’s ridiculous

Rachel: No, Finn is right on this one-- do you think that if Kurt knew that Sebastian felt the same way, he wouldn’t break out into song and ask him out? Kurt dated a guy he didn’t even like that much because he admitted a crush. If he knew that Sebastian was in love with him, they’d be together.

Sam: but how would we get Kurt to see something that’s been in front of him the whole time?

Finn: Kurt has a major self esteem blockage, he’ll have trouble accepting that Sebastian is into him

Mercedes: We just need one of them to make a move and then we’re good

Artie: Which one would make the move?

Finn: I think Kurt. I’m pretty sure I can get him to see how Sebastian feels. We can have a girl talk thing.

Tina: Godspeed, comrade

-

**Sebastian’s Spam Instagram account**

9:08  
[image description: a goofy selfie of him and Kurt from the Warbler Retreat.]  
Caption: my grandmere is gonna be here in a week and I’m gonna combust. How would I explain to her that me and Kurt aren’t dating???

COMMENTS:  
Nickyhateschexmix: Just date him. No need to lie bro  
Sebbastard.69: @nickyhateschexmix oh yes. Forgot how good at giving advice you were. Why didn’t I think of that?  
Nickyhateschexmix: @sebbastard.69 we all knew that you were the looks and Kurt was the brains of the relationship  
Sebbastard.69: fuck you Kurt is both the looks and the brains

-

**Twitter**

Kurt Hummel @kurtelizabethhummel  
Your stepbrother walks into your room with two (2) glasses of warm milk and says it’s “time for some legit girl talk”... wyd?

-

**Kurt’s Facebook Messenger**

[Kurt Hummel has created a chat with 23 people]

Kurt Hummel: I know you must all be confused as to why I gathered you here today, Warblers, New Directions, Dalton friends, my dad, but I need a private poll to be answered, and when everyone has cast their vote, I will delete this and we will never speak of it again.  
Kurt Hummel: Give this message a thumbs up reaction if you think Sebastian has a crush on me. 

(22 people have reacted with a thumbs up)

David Grant III: I’m sorry, who are you? I think you got the wrong number…

Kurt Hummel: the result appears to be unanimous.

[Kurt Hummel has deleted chat]

-

**Kurt and Sebastian’s Text Messages**

Kurt: Hey, are you home?

Sebastian: yeah, why are you asking?

Kurt: I want to see you.

Sebastian: Uh, sure? My house is a bit of a mess because we’re preparing for my grandma to get here. Surprise party and whatnot.

Kurt: That’s okay. I’m getting in the car.

Sebastian: You’re kind of scaring me, is everything okay?

Kurt: Yeah, everything is okay, Meerkat

Sebastian: Are you sure

Kurt: Yeah, I’m about to start driving.

Sebastian: we can call and you can start explaining to me what the fuck is going on? 

Kurt: I want to have this conversation in person

Sebastian: okay

-

**Sebastian’s Spam Instagram**

10:30 PM  
[image description: screenshots of the text conversation he and Kurt just had]  
Caption: fuck fuck fuck FUCK he knows that Im in love with him and now he’s trying to let me down as kindly as he could fuck FUCK kill me now 

-

**David and Sebastian’s Text Messages**

David: BRO  
David: How can I support you while you wait for his car to get here

Sebastian: Do you have any idea what this is about???

David: None.Would not be shocked if it was about the whole being in love thing? Let him tell you, do not say “is this because I’m in love with you”

Sebastian: That sounds like a joke but we both know full well that I would do that

David: I believe in you, champ  
David: I’m pretty sure he’s into you too

Sebastian: great, now I’ve got my hopes up  
Sebastian: the more I hope for the worse it turns out  
Sebastian: What if he spits on me. Fuck. I’ve had someone do that before

David: What’s the story there???

Sebastian: Irrelevant. What matters is that Kurt probably hates me 

David: He doesn’t  
David: Trust me on that

Sebastian: oh my god I see his car, it’s coming down the driveway FUCK

David: Tell me how it goes! I’m sending good vibes

-

**Sebastian’s Spam Instagram**

11:45  
[image description: a smiling Kurt holding one thumb up]  
Caption: That did… not turn out how I thought it would.

COMMENTS:  
Jeffyloveschexmix: please spill the tea. Please I’m begging you. I need it.  
Sebbastard.69: @jeffyloveschexmix I’ll tell the story at our wedding during the vows ;)  
Jeffyloveschexmix: @sebbastard.69 Kurt proposed?????  
Sebbastard.69: @jeffyloveschexmix no he just kissed me and now he’s my boyfriend  
Sebbastard.69: @jeffyloveschexmix but that;s not the full story of what happened I’lll give u the full story on my wedding day :)

-

**Facebook**

Update: Kurt Hummel is now in a relationship with Sebastian Smythe

COMMENTS:  
Mercedes Jones: YAy!!!!!  
Rachel Berry: :) Best news I’ve received all day!  
Finn Hudson: Good bro talks can do wonders, huh?

Update: Sebastian Smythe is now in a relationship with Kurt Hummel

COMMENTS:  
David Grant: I’m proud of you!!!! I’m glad my good vibes worked  
Thad Westerson III: We were right! There was something homoerotic! 

-

**Sebastian’s Instagram, a week later**

3:36  
[Image description: His grandma in the center, the whole Smythe and Gilbert clan, plus Kurt, are crowded together for a picture. Sebastian is behind Kurt, with his chin resting on Kurt’s shoulder. He and Kurt look the happiest any of their friends have ever seen them.]  
Caption: When Amelie Gilbert comes to town, you never know what’ll happen… also her boyfriend’s name is Peter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I take fic requests on my tumblr @thesubtextmachine, for anyone who wants to fill my weekend with some good Kurtbastian writing. Hope y'all enjoyed!


End file.
